To Be Or Not to Be, “A KAREN”

I’m sure you have all heard the meme “don’t be a Karen”… Well, when I first heard it I was quite excited. Of course, it was for purely selfish reasons. I had enough of forty years of “don’t’ be a Debbie Downer” or being associated with that infamous old porn movie Debbie does Dallas… I felt it was time to pass the torch on to some other lucky name. Thank you, Karen!

So as I initially said, I was pretty ecstatic the derogatory focus was off of my name. But then I discovered what the “Karen” meme actually meant. The meme wasn’t just a complaining, whiny negative woman, it was so much more…which really did kind of offend me. And my name is not Karen.

The official definition according to Wikipedia… (for what that is worth these days) is the following: Karen is a slang term for a white woman perceived as entitled or demanding beyond the scope of what is normal. The term is often portrayed in memes depicting white women who use their white privilege to demand their own way. The meme, from what I have found, became extremely popular in 2020 and was adopted by mainstream as a way to call out white privilege. Bad enough we use it to describe women as whiny and unreasonable, but now we have to bring race into it. Oh wait, I’m white I’m not allowed to be offended.

I don’t know anymore, it just seems like we go out of our way to look for things to divide us instead of unite us. We are all human beings…all made of flesh and blood. We have so much more in common than what we do not have. Who says demanding woman can only be white? And what is wrong with being demanding anyway? Women in general need to be demanding. If we were not, where would be now? Oh, and by the way… I thought there was no more “NORMAL”.

Well, I have to say the name Karen to me is a godsent (and not just because it takes the emphasis off of “Debbie Downer”). It’s not just a meme, it’s not negative and it’s not privilege. The only thing privilege has to do with it is the privilege that I have personally known a Karen(s). The biblical meaning of the name KAREN is quite different than the popular meme depicts. In my pursuit of the origin of this name I learned the following. Listen up all you Karen haters.

Karen is a spirit that was named after the Karen people of Myanmar. Myanmar, also known as Burma, is located in Southeast Asia. The people known as Karens are a minority group that have faced persecution since the 1960’s (how ironic). The spirit Karen, is considered to be an earth goddess and her purpose is to bring peace and harmony to those who worship her. She provides protection from harm and negativity while also helping us understand the importance of forgiveness and compassion. Supposedly when you invoke this spirit you are asking for her guidance on how to better yourself as a human being. WOW… quite the opposite of the MEME! The negative Karen connotation has been officially debunked and the name is now exonerated!!

My firsthand experience with the name Karen came at an early age of thirteen when I met Karen #1. You will see shortly why I call her #1. Karen number one walked into my CCD (religion) class as the new girl in town. She was a blue eyed, blonde with lots of gusto. I was immediately drawn to her. Luckily, she lived not too far down the road from me. We became friends immediately.

Coming from similar households we each had to have our chores done before we could embark on any fun activities. We would both help each other complete our housework so we could both be free to roam town on our bikes. Working together was not only quicker, it made it seem less like a chore. We cheered together, had sleepovers, and went on double dates through most of junior and senior high school. It also didn’t help that she had an older brother that I had a terrible crush on for quite some time. Lol! To this day Karen and I still have a close friendship, fifty years later.

The first day of my freshman year in high school I encountered Karen #2. Karen #2 was the new girl in school (once again) and was in my homeroom. Another blue eyed blonde beauty who I thought, as did every boy in our class, was the most beautiful girl in the school. Karen #2 was a hit with everyone. This of course made me extremely jealous. Every boy in our class worshipped her and she was so popular that she hung around with mostly upperclassmen (I am sure that word is now outlawed due to its sexist nature-per spell check it should be upper class people). I did not become friends with Karen # 2 until my senior year. I worshipped her from afar as everyone else did. Once all of her older friends had graduated from school that’s when our friendship began.

Karen # 2 and I shared lots of adventures in my senior year. She wasn’t only beautiful she was wild, smart and funny. We had such a fun time that year. I was overjoyed when she agreed to be my roommate as we were both going to attend the University of Rhode Island. I’m not sure if I would have survived if I didn’t have her as my roommate. I wasn’t all that secure and she was without a doubt very secure; she put on a pretty good show if she wasn’t. She always made me laugh with her teasing ways. I can hear her saying to me “ Lil Deb, I can eat soup off of your head”. We were Mutt and Jeff. If you do not know who Mutt and Jeff are look them up. Long story short they are comic strip characters from back in the early 1900’s, Mutt being tall and Jeff being the half pint. So very apropos for Karen#2 (aka Smitty) and Deb.

After finally learning from Karen #2 that I did not have to depend on her to survive I began developing my own self confidence. I emerged from her shadow. This new confidence brought me to a much sought after position as a Freshman Orientation Leader in my junior year. I spent one of the best summers of my life making incredible bonds with 20 other leaders; one a forever bond, named….you got it, Karen. This time, Karen #3 broke the previous physical attributes of the previous two Karen’s. She was not a blue eyed, blonde like the previous two but still a beautiful brown eyed brunette with a radiant personality. She was calm, poised, and kind. She tempered my very emotional personality. I would move in with her after our FOWL (first-year student orientation workshop leader) position had ended. She was a year younger than me but our friendship remained strong even after I graduated. So strong that she was in my wedding.

It’s weird how as we go through life we have an evolving relationship with friends. When you are young and going through school it feels like friends help define who we are. At least we think they do at the time. We all want to be popular, we want to be liked, we want to belong. All pretty normal for developing young people trying to figure out who they are. We seek out those who we think we want to be like or who we think others want to be like. As adolescents it’s not really about the quality of the person when we make friends. Many times it’s because of how close they live to you or a shared common activity. And sometimes it comes right down to who does or doesn’t want to be friends with you.

As we get older we do start to seek out individuals with a little more forethought. After going through high school and battling the loss of friendships due to jealousy or competition we begin to become more discretionary. Most of us tend to analyze potential friends differently, looking for substance.

Many of us start our own families and find ourselves making friends with parents of our children’s friends. During playdates, sports, club or other organized activities, you end up seeing the same set of people. It makes life easier since time is precious to have your social life connected to your children’s. Sometimes you luck out and can find quality individuals that surpass your children’s connections but sadly sometimes they don’t. These people become friends for a span of time but no less pertinent in your life.

So life was whizzing by and I had many other friends not named Karen. Many were as I stated parents of my children’s friends or conveniently neighborhood friends. I was still friendly with all three Karens but life was accelerating and we were all in different locations with careers or families. Although we may not have always been in close proximity we would continue to communicate and touch base over the years. The advent of Facebook did make it easier to stay connected, one of the nice attributes of social media. But not all of my Karens were on social media thus making that distance seem more pronounced.

The name Karen peaked in popularity in 1965 which is how one can see why I had so many friends that were named Karen. But if you think I was done at 3 you are so wrong.. The Karen thirty year Karen drought was over! In comes Karen #4! This Karen connection was the most unexpected. You see, I knew of Karen #4 for quite some time back from my son’s T-ball days. My son who later attended Catholic school in the 7th grade befriended Karen # 4’s daughter. Over the years I would drive him to Karen # 4’s house and she would drive her daughter to my house. We exchanged a few words to be sure we were on the same parental page and that was pretty much it.

You won’t be surprised to learn that this Karen was my typical stereotype, another blue eyed blonde beauty. I never in a million years thought she would be interested in being my friend. And honestly at this stage of my life I was not looking for more friends. That sounds so bitchy, doesn’t it? But you know what I mean…Well, that was not to be in the cards and I couldn’t be more grateful for the unexpected Karen # 4.

My son would always say to me that Karen # 4 and I were very much alike and that we would be great friends. I laughed it off and thought to myself, I am so out of her league (sound so high schoolish doesn’t it?) He was just being kind to me. Anyway, fast forward, my son ended up taking her daughter to the senior prom. When I got to her home for pictures I confronted Karen # 4 on what I owed her for the flowers for her daughter, since I was not allowed to buy them. She looked at me and laughed. I still remember her exact words, “What are you talking about? Don’t be ridiculous!” She then proceeded to ask me where my son had been hiding me all of these years… and that was the beginning of a wonderful friendship. I was once again blessed to be adding another high caliber Karen to another chapter of my life.

You see NOW why I reject the “don’t be a Karen meme”. Karen to me, is something you should aspire to be. Every Karen in my life has been such a blessing. Each one possessing strength, kindness, compassion, and humility. When it comes to privilege, they possess what all human beings possess, the opportunity to take advantage of their god given talents and gifts. There is no privilege in being kind, compassionate or humble. You must just exercise it, and as these special Karens do.

So, if you ask me, to be or not to be a Karen? I wholeheartedly say BE a KAREN. Friends are the most precious of gifts life can give you no matter what their names are. Not ALL my friends are named Karen lol. And true friends are even rarer. If you can maintain those friendships regardless of how often you are with them, that is the true testament of your friendship. I have found that the quote “quality rather than quantity ” has proven itself to be quite true. Who knows, maybe a Karen #5 is around the corner.

Not sure what Mila is talking about here, my Karen’s are all perfect… She needs a new one!