Deb
As a primarily feminine website we would be remiss if we ignored our masculine counterparts. In a world where one can supposedly pick their gender, I personally feel, based upon the “science” that there are two, an X and a Y. Obviously there are genetic abnormalities where things go awry. But those are by far, few and far between. For some reason, there are parts of society who have bought into this idea that we can chose our gender, this in my opinion is dangerous territory.
But I shouldn’t digress and get off topic. I want to focus on, as I said initially, “men.” June is traditionally the month we celebrate fathers. Fathers are such a vital part of society. I feel in our quest to “progress” men have recently been devalued. I find this to be counter productive. I grew up in an era where I felt we were making strides for women’s equality. In doing so men and women’s roles were being redefined and traditional stereotypes were fading. Unfortunately, I feel we have swung the pendulum too far. Persecution of our male counterparts has become commonplace.
I distinctly remember, feeling at times when I was a young professional that men seemed to have more power and opportunities. Did it infuriate me? I would be lying if I said it didn’t. But, there are few things in this world that are black and white. Historically speaking, most societies were patriarchal in nature. I learned early on both genders had their pros and cons as well as their strengths and weaknesses. One had to navigate the world by learning to capitalize on the pros and the strengths while minimizing the cons and the weaknesses.
As a child, the prominent male figures in my life were my dad and my grandfathers. I have really fond and also sad memories of my maternal grandfather. He would take me everywhere with him. I remember him smoking his cigarettes, sitting in his chair and me sitting beside him as we watched one of his favorite shows “Lawrence Welk”. I was the “apple of his eye”.
He was a World War II Veteran and had a Purple Heart. The war took its toll on him as he turned into an alcoholic. Between the cigarettes and the alcohol, he died of cancer. I remember him deteriorating in front of my eyes. It had a devastating effect on a nine year old. I didn’t understand it at the time, I just recall becoming afraid of a man that I loved so much. Only later, did I come to realize the destruction of the human psyche war had on these heroes who were lucky enough to return home. He was a hero in my eyes as I knew the pain and suffering he went through as a protector of our freedoms.
My paternal grandfather I was less attached to, and he lived a long life. He was a stern man and I remember being very afraid of him as a child. He was divorced from my grandmother for as long as I can remember. The woman he remarried was very pleasant and she took care of me from time to time. My grandfather was a man of little words and always looked like he was angry. He was a hard working stone mason and barely interacted with me as a child. As I got older, we didn’t see him very often which looking back, I find it to be sad. Maybe as he aged he may have softened (as so many of us do) and I would have been able to connect with him more. He didn’t have an easy life so I suspect he felt he didn’t have much to be happy about.
As my bio states on the home page, I was a product of a teen pregnancy but I was fortunate to have a father who stayed. When I look at the odds of that happening, I have to say I got really lucky. My dad is an extraordinary human being. He himself was from a divorced household. His childhood experience was far from a loving, nurturing and stable environment. He didn’t have much to draw from, but he chose to stay and I am forever grateful for his commitment to his family.
I always wonder what makes people try to improve their circumstances or choose to remain as victims. Only we has individuals can change our destiny. Even against the odds many people prevail. Being a parent when you are not prepared is a daunting task. Even when you think you are ready it’s daunting. Taking on this responsibility and being financially insecure only adds more stress to the situation, taking it’s toll on both parents and child or children. But statistically, children who grow up with both parents fare much better at becoming successful adults.
We were that family, struggling on many levels. But through all the difficult times I was always clean, clothed and never hungry. I remember my dad brushing my hair and taking care of me. Back then, this was not a “typical” male responsibility. It didn’t matter to him as he worked hard outside of the home. We started out in a third floor tenement with three rooms, no bath or shower. Luckily, my grandmother lived down the street where they were able to bathe. I on the other hand got washed in the kitchen sink.
As young as they were, they worked so very hard to improve our situation. By the time I was six we were moving to a home where I no longer had to sleep in a crib. (lol-thank God I was small) My father worked so hard to provide for us. He worked six days a week and never took vacations. He provided for us but as I grew he was working so much and was so tired I didn’t get to spend much time with him. The trade off of trying to provide a better quality of life for your loved ones. Overall, he was doing the responsible thing, providing stability and security and who can fault him for that? We did spend every Sunday as a family, going to church, out to breakfast and later having a family dinner. I always looked forward to Sunday.
Men are different than women. Such an obvious statement. And in the big picture I think it was planned that way. I find it difficult that through our endeavor to make us (women) more equal we denigrate the essence of maleness. We were designed different for a reason. Does it mean that each of our identifiable traditional traits don’t or cannot spill over to the opposite gender? No… Having an overlap of traits is definitely advantageous , check out this interesting article covering the androgynous brain. https://theconversation.com/male-vs-female-brains-having-a-mix-of-both-is-common-and-offers-big-advantages-new-research-153242
When I look at the numerous charts that identify masculine and feminine traits the one thing that stands out is that they balance “ each other. There are quite a range of traits that are attributed to each. Most all of them are the opposite of the other. And as with every individual they vary. But the most beautiful thing is that they complement each other. The yin and the yang.
This complement works so well when raising children. In my own experience it has worked well for my spouse and I. We both I would say, possess the traditional masculine/ feminine traits. So many times have I relied on his steadfast strength where I was emotionally overwhelmed. I could hardly function when Alaina got diagnosed with TYPE I Diabetes at ten years old. He held the line and managed to put his pain aside and deal with my trauma. Whatever emotions he was feeling they were hidden and he remained calm. He helped us all adjust to this new, unwanted disease that was bestowed upon us. Of course Alaina’s life would never be the same but as a family we were all affected.
And then there were times where his lack of empathy or compassion became evident to me. I would step in and provide the needed consolation and nurturing. I can recall an incident where a child was injured and the male tendency of “be tough” came into play. Motherly intuition and femininity took over to uncover a broken bone. SMH…. I refrained from saying “I told you so”.
Being male traditionally means possessing strength of both physical and emotional character, responsible, problem solver and protector. These are traits that are not exclusive to men but I think historically we can agree it’s a common theme throughout the ages. Women, on the other hand typically are seen as more nurturing, communicative and emotional. Also not exclusive to one gender. In a family unit all of these traits are invaluable for the survival of the family and the development of the children.
This is one reason we should try not to look at masculine traits as ineffective or futile. They certainly have value and without these traits we would not be where we are today. We need to stop trying to fit the square peg in the round hole. Stop changing what has been in existence for eternity. Instead of trying to change each other, maybe just attempting to be better communicators that would help us understand each others differences.. in turn appreciating the fact that we all have something valuable to contribute.
Natalie
When I was working at the country club, there was an annual Mother’s Day brunch. Ironically enough, even with a predominantly male membership, there was no corresponding Father’s Day Brunch. A member once playfully pointed out the discrepancy and I responded with “every day is like Father’s Day here.” Now I know many women who play golf but I think it’s fair to say it’s a generally a male dominated hobby. What activity is there for Mothers to drink, smoke, and be gone for 4+ hours at a time?
While that cheeky anecdote is just one of many of my own critiques, jokes, and eye roll worthy moments regarding men, I will never minimize their most important and necessary contribution to us women: their role as fathers. There is so much to say about the importance of fathers both individually and in our society. Sparked by the many troubled youth I see daily, my mom and I recently had a candid conversation about my own childhood and her and my father’s parenting and marriage. I expressed to her that in light of any shortcomings, I really feel the best thing my parents have ever given me was the opportunity to grow up in a two parent household. Quite literally, fatherlessness is a predictor for almost all social ailments. https://www.fatherhood.org/father-absence-statisti
My heart truly aches for the children I read about and work with who are missing a present father. Let me say, a participative father. Ever hear that corny line “anyone can be a father, it takes someone special to be a dad”. While of course, most of the time having a father in any capacity is better than none in means of financial stability, physical protection, all the textbook roles of a man in the home. It is a defining characteristic of men to be physically present while being emotionally absent.
In my life I’ve been blessed enough to have a present and participative father. The privilege of being the youngest, Jim got to work out several paternal shortcomings before I came along. In my preschool and elementary school years, my dad worked nights so he was the one there for my sister and me during the day. We used to sit in the same spot at Burger King after pre- school everyday. He was typically the only dad there during my dance classes. My dad fostered an early love for nature and animals in the purchase of my “Ranger Rick” Magazine Subscriptions, staying up late to watch my hermit crabs, and always taking me camping.
When I was an infant and toddler my preference for my Mom and Grandmother was strong but as I got a little older I was 100% a Daddy’s girl. One of my aunt’s once referred to this as “The Boo Ba Binski Era”. Boo Ba Binksi being the nickname my Dad has called me since I was little.
I’ve also been lucky enough to have many many father figures through my uncles on both my mom and dad’s sides. Most notably, my Mom’s brother, my Uncle Eddie who has continually treated me as his own through my time at UConn and since. He is there for me in all the ways my own dad would be.
And of course, I could never speak of fathers without acknowledging of course, my Pop-Pop. Unfortunately, my dad’s father had passed away before I was born so I never got to know him. I had an incredible first 19 years of my life with my Mom’s father though. As I spoke of Miss Rena, my grandfather also had many, many struggles. Some I know about, some I never will, others I choose not to. Pop-Pop certainly struggled as a husband and therefore also at times as a father but I could not have written a better grandfather if I tried.
I think we all have to remind ourselves that our parents are also experiencing life for the first time. It’s hard to see them not only as our Mom and Dad but also that they have their own experiences as a sibling, a son/daughter, husband/wife, or friend. It seems to me, by the time people get around to being grandparents they’ve worked out at least most of the “woes” of being a parent, leaving grandparents to be the best version of themselves.
I have so many memories of Pop-pop throughout my life. When I was little our time consisted of many small trips around town to the grocery store or to get ice cream, things like that. Pop-pop loved being outside and active. Because of this it was difficult for him to get older. His body stopped allowing him to do the things he enjoyed. The last few years of his life I spent my Tuesdays and Thursdays with him. It was hard to find things he could do and enjoy but I know how much the company meant to him. I cry as I write this now. I didn’t know how much you could miss a person until he passed.
Not to go totally Freudian but there is the age old saying that a father is a daughter’s first love. My mom mentioned it often when Pop-pop passed and has said it to me when my father has catered to my own (ridiculous) requests. I’m sure we’ve all heard some girl or woman sadly dismissed and diminished to “Daddy Issues”. But as shown above, there’s some very real impacts of fathers’ participation or lack there of. I think a lot of women tend to find some modeling of their father in their romantic partners (whether that be the good, bad, or the ugly). Or on the other hand, use their father as an example of what to avoid.
My dad always told me no one would cater to me the way he did/does. The small things like picking out celery from my soup, cutting my grilled cheese a certain way, writing messages in pancakes and such. On a more serious note, while my Mom may or may not have not laid one or two spankings, my Dad was very specific to never use threatening language or even hint at any physical harm. I remember being very little my Dad often telling me “It is illegal for boys to hit girls”. Now in my adulthood, I see these things as little seeds planted in my brain to lay some foundation of how to be and how not to be treated. Thank you, Daddy.
And now I’m left in the coming years to find someone who will be as good of a father as they are a partner. I’ve seen people be loving, compatible partners but not on the same page with parenting. In contrast, those who are almost perfect parents but neglect their relationship as partners together. It’s not a balance I can even pretend to fully comprehend. Of what I’ve heard, as Deb shared, you’re never really prepared.
Outro
So…we conclude the feigned Patriarchy may not be as bad as we’re sometimes made to think. Like anything, there are room for improvements of course (two girls’ girls for sure) but we hope to preserve the pieces that provide such obvious benefits for children, families, and communities. We wish all the fathers out there a Happy Father’s Day. Probably very few men reading this so please women pass on our sentiments 🙂 We both believe in the value and impacts of our patriarchs and are thankful for them today.
Very Well written Natalie! I’m so proud of you and the woman you’ve become!
Love you!
Kelly Baer