Deborah
Friends, a topic I could probably write a book about but I’ll try to condense it in blog format. 😉 As long as I can remember friendship was of the utmost importance to me. Is it that way with every little girl? I would assume it is for most. Do you remember your first real friend?
My very first friend’s name was Noreen from Nursery School. Today she would be labeled a ginger, lol. Back then just a redhead. I must have been all of three. The next major players were in kindergarten aka pre-primary “back then” Brenda, Sharon, and Robin. Sharon being my favorite out of the three. They were my pack until 3rd grade when I changed schools. I did maintain a friendship with Sharon for a few years through Girl Scouts but after that it fizzled.
I learned early on that when you have a friend or “friends” it’s much easier in even numbers. Whenever there were three it usually turned into heartbreak for someone. For whatever reason …. two always seemed to end up gravitating toward each other and the third always felt left out. I found this to be true most of my life. You would think as we got older this would become less of an issue, but from my experience it seemed to carry right on through my entire life. I would love to hear your thoughts on this.
The entire friendship selection process intrigues me. I find it interesting who we end up being friends with and who we remain friends with. Many times we end up being friends as children due to our classrooms and our neighborhoods. At these early ages our choices are limited. And even in the groups we are exposed to why do we gravitate towards Karen and not Debbie? Is it appearance, personality, or common interests? It seems to be a similar selection process when choosing a mate.😂
The process is quite personal depending on which traits are important to us at the time. After experiencing a few friendships that don’t survive or you get deeply wounded you start to refine that list. It’s a good thing we don’t have to sign contracts for friendship as the divorce rate would be off the charts!
There are some friendships that we are ok with letting go and then there are others that truly make us sad. Especially the ones that you felt were going to be everlasting and they turn out not to be. Sometimes you don’t even get a choice or a reason, they just cease and you are left perplexed, hurt, and betrayed. I think those are worse than having a big blow out. At least you know the reason for the termination and get closure.
If you have a friendship last more than ten years you should consider yourself lucky. Friendships or I should say at least some of them, can be as demanding as a marriage. And honestly, they shouldn’t be if they are truly good friends. That’s when you know you have chosen the wrong friend and it’s time to let go. I’ve had so many friendships through different stages of my life that did not survive. I think about my bridesmaid choices and I’m lucky to have retained two of the three that stood up for me. I guess Judy was just a friend for a season. There is so much validity to that saying: there are friends for a reason, season, or lifetime.
I can say I am truly blessed with the friends that I have in my life. I still have a friend from grammar school as referenced in one of my previous posts on Karen’s. My friends now are few but true. Ones that I feel are all that I need. They have stood the test of time and I hope I never do anything to lose any of them. If they want to keep me I’m for sure going to keep them.
In spite of not actively looking for new friends I seem to have found a new friend in the most unlikely place. And her name just happens to be the same as my first favorite. I felt compelled to write about this friendship as its origin is unique in nature. How so? you may be thinking. Well…. Unique in the way that I feel so connected to this friend and we have never even met in person. I know it sounds strange but have you ever heard of a “pen pal”? I’m so old I don’t know if pen pals exist anymore. According to the Merriam Dictionary a “pen pal” is a friend made and kept through correspondence. And this my friendly readers is how I met my new friend Sharon (aka as Missy).
Per my last post, remember I stated I belonged to this great holistic website? Well, I happened to be interacting with a post and this other member made a comment that perked further skepticism regarding the content. I decided to message her privately so as not to give myself a bad reputation as I am a new member. This began our incredible friendship. Although much younger than me the things we had in common were a little hard to believe. I never felt so bonded so quickly without actually meeting the person.
The similarities are uncanny. I look forward to her writing to me everyday and we both have been pretty consistent. Of course, I completely understand when she can’t. She is a very busy woman. But our correspondence is like reading a page from a novel every day, free flowing sharing of information and ranting. The more we write to each other the more I like her. Our discovery of each other is like a God-Wink (An event or personal experience, often identified as coincidence, so astonishing that it is seen as a sign of divine intervention, especially when perceived as the answer to a prayer.). Somehow it was meant to be. I’m not sure why but I feel like we were supposed to find each other.
Now, this gets a little funny. After telling my husband about my new friend and how many things we have in common and how we seemed to have just “clicked” he put the fear of god in me. He told me I should be careful because people do this type of thing for a living… I was like “what are you talking about”? Well you know he said… people in other countries infiltrate websites and prey on people so she might be fake… Talk about deflating my high… NO possible way could someone in another country be an imposter for my new friend. She was sharing pictures and so many wonderful things with me- who would go to all that trouble just to what? Someday ask for money? Oh he of little faith.. am I that naive? I refuse to believe that my “Soul Sister” is fake.
On the other hand, if she is how will I ever know? It’s about faith at this point. Faith in the good of humanity. I want to believe in my heart that this is a God-Wink and this is a real friendship. In the age of internet it is a double edged sword. It’s so easy to manipulate people and data. I guess it is no different than sending a letter to someone you don’t know across the continent and expecting them to be honest with who they are and their intentions. That was how an original pen pal worked. The response time via internet is quicker but the content and intent are still the same. With age supposedly comes wisdom… you would think I would be able to know when someone was scamming me. I’m the one that reached out to her not the other way around. All I know is I’m choosing to keep my faith and not be a doubting Thomas.
So, friends come and they go. There are good ones and there are bad ones. There are younger ones and older ones. Rich ones and poor ones. Male friends and female friends. But the determining factor as to if they remain your friend is their character. Cherish and retain the ones with character as they will be forever loyal, as so should you.
Natalie
Summer is half way over and so is my latest fixation: Love Island USA, Season 7. If you somehow haven’t seen or heard of it, the premise, 10 strangers enter a villa in Fiji with no access to phones or connections other than the people in the villa. They then couple up and throughout the season new people enter the villa pushing them to explore and test new connections. At the end of the season, America’s favorite couple win $100K.
This is the third season I’ve watched thoroughly. While the “purpose” of the show is ultimately to find your strongest romantic connection aka love, the show always gets dubbed “Friendship Island” the way we the audience fall for the friendships that play out just as much as the romantic relationships.
I actually started watching Love Island with my college roommate, Claudia, whom I often call my platonic soulmate. We naturally spend a lot of time focused on romantic love. Traditionally, there’s an emphasis on the benchmarks or goals of romantic love “I want to get married” “I want to find the person I will have children with”. Platonic love however is just as important, just as strong, but somehow simpler at the same time.
I remember the first person I ever anointed the title “best friend”, Maddie Adams. There were only 3 girls in my kindergarten class of 10 so we were naturally a little trio but Maddie and I just clicked more it seemed. I remember having friends in preschool and in dance classes but no one I had yet called a best friend. Our friendship however was short lived as she moved away the next year and switched schools. We had maybe kept in touch a little while but it just wasn’t meant to be.
Maddie was also the first time I can distinctly remember feeling irritated and jealous of a friend. Her father was a pilot and she always made it a point to show off to Michaela (final third of our trio) and I the newest thing she had that we didn’t or a place they had gone that we hadn’t. And while I did say platonic love usually seems to be simpler, maybe I should say less pressure. Friendships have many many trials and tribulations to face.
I solidified most of my now long standing friendships between eighth grade and freshman year of high school. I’d be lying if I didn’t say I’m not a little jealous of people who have a true childhood best friend, someone they’ve known since their toddler years or early early elementary years. I find those friendships to be so fascinating and beautiful. I know in the grand scheme of life the friends I made at 13/14 will essentially be “childhood” best friends. But for now, I’m still at the point where I’ve been friends with them for less time than I haven’t.
I read a quote once that said “loving someone is attending a thousand funerals of their past selves. That’s life together.” There’s so many versions of ourselves that our childhood and adolescent friends get to see. I remember having conversations with some of my besties before we went away to college about how much explaining about ourselves we were going to have to do for friends in the future about why we are the way we are but we all know because we were there.
Of the people I consider my closest friends, most of them are women but I do have a very best friend, Evan, who is a man. I know the infamous red flag of a “guy best friend”. We’ve been friends since 7th grade. We both see each other more as siblings, especially in the way we used to bicker. I do think there are ways that our dynamics are different than that of my female friends. My female friends tend to be a bit more validating to me or “just listen to listen”; he tends to be more direct with his advice/opinions. The older we get though, the less I see a difference.
But in general, it seems men and women tend to maintain friendships in different ways. I have always noticed a difference in the way men and women tend to be friends especially when it comes to my high school friends reuniting. Us girls can make quality time out of anything: running errands, getting quick coffee, etc. Boys tend to see each other mostly around an agreed upon hobby/outing/activity. I think these differences in the way men and women maintain friendships is often a big part of the debate and also a struggle for romantic relationships as well. Women usually seek out emotional intimacy from both their friendships with each other and romantic relationships while men more so from just their romantic partner.
I for one am in the camp that men and women can be friends depending on the individual. In both high school and college I spent a lot of time in co ed friend groups. There was absolutely instances of friendcest but most outgrow that as you gain more experiences in relationships, sex and meeting new people.
To tap into my inner misandry for just a minute, I do think there are men who can’t be friends with women but that is not to say that opposite gender relationships can’t exist. For those individuals, I think that is from their lack of desire to give time or attention to women they don’t see as attractive. Personally, the way a man interacts with women they don’t have romantic or sexual interest in, can be its own litmus test. There are absolutely “friendships” with ulterior motives but I think it’s safe to say women can hide feelings in those friendships just as well. Have you seen Twenty Seven Dresses? Something Borrowed? My Best Friend’s Wedding? Men just appear to be more sinister when they do it. (Because they are; who said that?).
Wherever your experiences fall on the many spectrums of gender, age, length of time, etc., We hope they are authentic, long standing, and well nurtured. I feel very lucky to share these words & this space with all of you and my amazing co-author & friend.
