Allergies, volatile weather, Pisces men … Spring is here. And while we all like to play into the facade that spring is a beautiful time of growth, renewal, beauty, and more…that part of spring doesn’t ever really come until May. So now that we’ve officially concluded the worst month of the year, March, and while we spent January and February cozy and exploring love, more particularly love languages, it seems fitting to talk about something a little more uncomfortable during this uncomfy time of the year: Forgiveness.
My thought to speak on forgiveness was in fact sparked by more than just the dreariness of the season. For anyone whose love languages were not catered to on Valentine’s Day, it might be a good topic to explore. We are also in the Lenten Season, a time of repentance. And it’s a concept I’ve been reflecting on as I make my way through Healing Your Lost Inner Child by Robert Jackman.
I struggle to forgive more than I would like to admit. I can usually communicate an “I forgive you” and “I accept your apology” with ease and it’s not that I don’t mean it. I don’t really see myself being outwardly resentful towards that person, but I find that I often let my own self dwell on the hurt thus minimizing the sincerity of my forgiveness.
And though I may not think of myself as a resentful person, I’m sure that rushed or incomplete forgiveness seeps out somehow. Whether it be in doubts, sarcasm, jumping to the worst case scenario, or a quicker temper with said person. Do we ever really let it go even when we forgive? “Forgive but don’t forget” is probably the most quoted piece of advice maybe ever. Can you really do both?
We all have different baselines for what behaviors require apologies and of those apologies, which we deem to be “forgiveable”. For myself, I process forgiveness differently based on the kind of relationship with that person.
I think most of us tend to focus on forgiveness in romantic relationships as these tend to lend themselves to the most frequent need for forgiveness. Romantic partners are in the position to hurt each other the most easily and frequently whether that be large betrayals or small moments of unkindness.
Historically, I would say I have an easier time apologizing than I do forgiving. My sensitivity leads me to holding onto things more than I’d like to admit. I can point to many times where I accepted an apology or “let it go” because I was tired of trying to explain myself or overwhelmed with tears. I’m sure all my other HSPs can relate to how draining it is to try to communicate clearly when we’ve been wronged. I think most of us can admit to at least once having “forgiven” someone but bringing the situation up in a later argument.
As I’ve come to communicate my feelings of being hurt better, I’ve also found myself able to forgive easier. Having the confidence that I can express my hurt rationally puts me in a more willing headspace to genuinely accept an apology. Again, this is true for all relationships but most prevalent in romantic ones.
As for friendships, I’m lucky to say I haven’t had a ton of times I felt I needed to truly forgive my friends. The downfall of that: when there is a situation and I need to forgive it’s a bit harder for me. Again, friendships are where I see myself often accepting an apology/offering but months or even years later still reflecting on how much something hurt me. Maybe the rushed forgiveness also comes from the fact that I don’t always recognize the degree of hurt immediately.
One type of relationship, I find increasingly important for us all to practice forgiveness in is familial, more specifically, parental relationships. I really believe the awareness in generational trauma, mental health, “wounded child” and alike is so important and will be beneficial to coming generation’s collective psyche. However, it saddens me how many people my age I see have a distaste for family. This may then manifest towards their current family relations and the thought of having children of their own.
Here is my second plug for Healing Your Lost Inner Child by Robert Jackman. In one of the very first chapters, Jackman makes the point to say that part of the journey of healing your inner child is letting go of blame and anger towards those who raised you. Of course, there may be moments of that (some that are probably very valid) but that is not to push away our parents. Instead it is to understand that they did the best with the abilities they have and offer forgiveness and be open to relationship mending.
Alas, the hardest person to forgive? Of course is myself. I don’t know if my obsessive rumination is a symptom or cause of my anxiety. Probably both but it is very difficult for me to be kind to myself. Most of my life I have said sorry to others way too much, to the point it was like a reflex; a habit I see a lot of women possess.
In the last few years, I’ve really tried to be conscious of it. The excessive external “sorries” are probably compensation for my lack of self forgiveness. I’d like to think I do an okay job at learning from and not repeating my mistakes, but I do struggle with not letting them impact my self esteem. The need to forgive and be forgiven will always be there but as I get better at being a partner, daughter, sister, friend, and most importantly, better at being myself hopefully this need lessens, at least a little bit.
Deborah
When it comes to forgiveness for me I certainly can forgive but I never ever forget. I think I got that advice early on. And of course, depending on the severity of the hurt, I may indeed forget it if it was trivial. But, I find it extremely difficult to forget when the stakes are high. Now, does not forgetting mean I hold a grudge? Are you a grudge holder?
In my humble opinion, just because you don’t forget does not mean that you are a grudge holder. I tend to look at it as learning a lesson. If I forget the offense, I may foolishly allow myself to be betrayed again. I for one like to limit my pain; I am far from a masochist.
Now I know this has started off sounding like I am some horrendous hard ass. But the reality of the situation is I have come a long way. In my younger years I was so forgiving I was the poster child for “walk all over me” and I’ll still love you. And it was like this in all of my relationships. I craved acceptance and love which led to an unhealthy amount of forgiveness. I gave everyone a pass regardless of the offense. In retrospect, I was a masochist.
It took a lot of self reflection, some therapy and confidence to overcome being a doormat. Lowering expectations turned out to be a great strategy. When you don’t expect people to act and think exactly as oneself you lower your chances of getting hurt. And secondly, when you learn how to say no…. you set boundaries and also minimize the disappointment.
It’s easy to forgive the acts of just plain “not thinking”. Let’s face it, most people don’t intentionally hurt us. It’s usually us setting the high standard and someone else is not even remotely thinking they have done anything wrong. So in some ways, we set ourselves up for these offenses and they are quite easy to forgive and forget. We all deserve forgiveness, especially when it’s unintentional.
It’s the big things that become obstacles to forgiveness such as cheating, gossiping, physical and verbal abuse, theft, and the ultimate hurt, losing someone you love to violence. You may be able to bring yourself to forgive these acts but that does not necessarily mean you have healed from these violations either. And it doesn’t mean you have to keep putting up with the betrayal. Sometimes people ask for forgiveness but continue to perpetrate the act. It’s times like those when you can forgive but decide to walk away for your own peace of mind and survival.
When it comes to losing someone you love to violence, I am reminded by a recent tragedy that just occurred in the state of Texas. A young man, high school student was stabbed to death by another student over something so trivial as being in the wrong seat at an athletic event. The father of this young boy, a man of faith, publicly acknowledged that he had already forgiven the assailant. I cannot imagine being able to forgive this act so quickly. This was such a testament to this man’s faith. In spite of his pain he trusted God so much he forgave this boy for taking his son’s life. I am still in awe. I just hope this young man can ask for forgiveness for himself.
I like to think I have faith but I am not quite so sure I could be that person. I do believe everyone deserves forgiveness regardless of the offense. But I also think as the offender you should want to be forgiven. It makes it harder to forgive when the offender is not the least remorseful.
If I for a moment think I have hurt someone I want to immediately atone. The only way to do that is to be able to recognize the transgression, even if unintentional. So, if you do not know you hurt someone you can’t ask for forgiveness. And when you find out (hopefully) the “Forgive me, I’m human” is not a phrase I would use to ask for forgiveness. A heartfelt, I was unaware that I upset you, can you please forgive me probably would be a good start.
Of course we are ALL human and commit acts that deserve forgiveness. And, by the Grace of God, he gave us his son that died for ALL of our sins. We just need to ask. May the Easter holiday remind us that all our transgressions can easily be forgiven with a sincere “I’m sorry, please forgive me.”
Outro
So..Do You Seek Forgiveness More than you Give it? Is one action more difficult for you than the other? We hope our pieces inspired you to reflect on your experiences in both roles: the giver and receiver of forgiveness. And while for different receives, to forgive and to be forgiven is the foundation for healing.
