I saw a TikTok about children needing parents who would look at them and ask, “WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT?” It was funny because I knew exactly what she meant. There was a particular kind of embarrassment that came with realizing you had acted ridiculous and your parents were absolutely going to address it.
Lately, I have been wondering whether some of the parents need that conversation themselves.
I went to Universal Studios Orlando this week and watched parents barely keeping an eye on their children while disruptive behavior went unaddressed. It reminded me of how quickly a public outing can become everybody else’s problem when the adults responsible stop paying attention.
If you let your child wander across a moving crowd, you cannot expect every stranger to anticipate where they are going and then act offended when someone accidentally bumps into them. Other people deserve consideration, too.
And that expectation applies to adults. Pushing past people, walking straight into them without an apology, treating “excuse me” like an unreasonable amount of effort. Where is the social awareness? And if someone is hurt, why is filming them for entertainment even your first thought? I have a hard time believing children will learn much consideration from adults who behave like that.
There used to be consequences
I was born in 2004 and graduated high school in 2023. This was not that long ago. In my house, acting up could mean leaving the restaurant before we were finished, and my parents were willing to follow through. There were time-outs at home. Sometimes plans got canceled altogether, or I’d lose my toys and television privileges. Going outside to play with the kids on the street could be off the table, too.
My dad even made me work out when I acted out, lol. And if I embarrassed my parents in public, he had no problem embarrassing me right back.
When I fell, my dad would say, “Brush it off and rub some dirt on it.” An ordinary little fall didn’t have to become the event of the afternoon. It was an expectation that I could recover and keep going. I appreciate the confidence behind that: I was capable of getting through an unpleasant moment.
If your child was rude, tell them. Having to apologize might embarrass them, especially if other people saw what happened. Okay? They can get through an awkward moment. I don’t think we’re doing them any favors by making sure they never have one.
The peanut allergy example
There’s an example in The Coddling of the American Mind, by Greg Lukianoff and Jonathan Haidt, that I keep thinking about. Haidt describes his son’s preschool banning nuts, even foods made in factories that processed them. Think of the protective instinct behind the peanut-free table, applied to the entire school.
The authors then discuss the LEAP allergy-prevention trial, which enrolled 640 infants at high risk of peanut allergy. With medical screening and monitoring, one group regularly ate peanut products from infancy while the other avoided them. By age five, about 17% of the avoidance group had developed an allergy, compared with about 3% of the group that consumed peanuts.
The book uses this example to explain “antifragility,” the idea that some systems get stronger through manageable stress. The authors apply that idea to children learning to cope with ordinary difficulties. Constant protection can interfere with the very ability to cope that adults want them to develop.
Some parents are so terrified of their child failing that they step in before there’s even a chance of it happening. If you’re doing the school project because you can’t stand the thought of them getting a bad grade, whose accomplishment is it? They still don’t know how to do the assignment. They just know you’ll take over when it gets difficult.
Let them get something wrong. Failing gives them a chance to figure out what happened and what they need to do differently next time. You can help them through that without taking over. I’d rather a child learn that a bad grade is something they can recover from while they still have support at home than reach adulthood believing every mistake needs someone else to fix it.
The book uses the saying, “Prepare the child for the road, not the road for the child.” Your child is going to encounter people who don’t rearrange everything to keep them happy.
My frustration with gentle parenting and permissive parenting is how easily concern for a child’s feelings can become an excuse to let the behavior continue. “We’re leaving” apparently means we’re going to keep standing here arguing. I think some parents are so uncomfortable upsetting their child that the child learns to wait them out.
Your child can be upset about being told no. That doesn’t mean the answer has to change. Comforting them doesn’t require dropping the consequence. Yes, leaving is inconvenient for you, too. That’s probably why threatening to leave is a lot more popular than actually doing it.
I worry about what that teaches a child who will eventually have to function without a parent negotiating on their behalf. They need to be able to hear no without the whole day falling apart. And if an adult always steps in to fix the situation, there isn’t much reason to work out how to handle it themselves.
Teachers are dealing with this, too. In a Pew Research Center survey published in 2024, 79% of public school teachers said parents did too little to hold their children accountable for misbehaving at school.
That number is embarrassing. A teacher should be able to tell you your child did something wrong without having to spend the rest of the conversation convincing you it’s possible.
Let them do things for themselves
The dependence bothers me just as much. Some parents are answering for their children before they’ve even opened their mouths. How is a child supposed to get comfortable talking to people if you keep taking over?
A 2023 national poll from C.S. Mott Children’s Hospital found that only 24% of parents of five- to eight-year-olds reported that their child regularly did something like ordering for themselves at a restaurant. Only 20% reported that their child regularly prepared a meal or snack.
Ordering your own food is such a small thing, but you have to start somewhere. Let your child stumble over the order without immediately finishing it for them. The waiter can give them a second. It doesn’t have to be a perfect conversation for them to learn something from it.
I find it strange that a child can have so much say over what the whole family does while being expected to do so little for themselves. Being needed for every tiny task would get exhausting. I’d want to know I was helping my child become capable of doing it without me.
Then there are the damn iPads
I get wanting to eat dinner in peace. But if the iPad comes out every time a child starts complaining, I think we’re teaching them to expect an escape from anything they don’t want to deal with.
The attention problems alone give me a reason to question that habit. A 2019 Canadian study had screen-time and behavior data for 2,322 children. Five-year-olds getting more than two hours of total screen time a day had an estimated 5.9 times the odds of scoring in the clinical range for attention problems compared with children getting less than 30 minutes. That finding concerned total screen use, including television and other devices.
Then there’s how parents use those screens. In a 2024 study of 265 families, 37.7% of parents regularly or frequently used media to calm their upset children. Compared with children whose parents rarely or never did this, the regular-use group’s anger and frustration scores a year later were estimated to be 0.30 points higher, with self-control scores 0.18 points lower, after adjustment for their starting behavior and other factors. Those were modest differences on seven-point scales, but they give me another reason to reconsider making a screen the automatic answer to a tantrum.
I worry that we’re getting a few minutes of quiet at the expense of practice children will need later. Sitting through a meal is an opportunity to learn how to wait, with a parent there to help. If we immediately hand over a device, we keep skipping that opportunity. Eventually they’ll have to deal with being bored somewhere where an iPad isn’t available.
And the convenience goes both ways. Once the child is occupied, the parent gets to return to their own conversation or phone. I understand why that’s tempting. I just think adults need to be willing to deal with some complaining while their children learn. Being upset doesn’t have to mean the expectation disappears, and it shouldn’t automatically mean a screen appears.
The school numbers
In 2015, around my elementary-school years, 5% of U.S. fourth graders scored below the lowest mathematics benchmark on TIMSS, an international assessment. By 2023, that figure was 13%. More than double. (Earlier results; 2023 results.)
The Education Recovery Scorecard’s 2025 analysis looked at third- through eighth-graders across thousands of school districts. By spring 2024, their average reading and math achievement was still estimated to be equivalent to nearly half a grade level below 2019 achievement.
Then there’s reading for enjoyment. NAEP reports that 27% of 13-year-olds read for fun almost every day in 2012, compared with 14% in 2025. That’s roughly half the share, and I find it depressing. I want kids to be able to enjoy a book without needing something else to happen on a screen at the same time.
NWEA’s 2026 reading results do show improvement, although most grades remain below pre-pandemic levels. I’m glad there’s progress. I’d like to see adults take the work of catching up seriously at home, too.
If your child is struggling to read, sitting with them while they practice might be frustrating for both of you. Do it anyway. Getting something wrong feels bad sometimes, but that can’t mean they never have to try again. I don’t understand lowering the expectation every time a child pushes back, then wondering why they won’t put in any effort.
A Little Embarrassment Wouldn’t Hurt
I want us to get back to expecting basic manners, some effort, and a little consideration for other people. Let your child be bored for a few minutes. Let them get something wrong and try again. Have them apologize when they owe someone an apology. And if you say there will be a consequence, follow through, even when it interrupts your afternoon, too. You can love your child, help them through a hard moment, and still expect them to do better.
The adults have to meet those expectations themselves. Say “excuse me.” Put your phone down. Pay attention to what your child is doing. If you expect a teacher, a waiter, or a stranger to keep dealing with behavior you won’t address, you should probably be a little embarrassed.
I want children to grow up knowing they can handle a disappointment, an awkward moment, and an answer they don’t like. That takes adults who are willing to let them practice. So yes, I think we could use a little more embarrassment when we’ve behaved badly. Sometimes “WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT?” is a perfectly reasonable question. And sometimes the parent needs to answer it, too.
DEBORAH
I have to say that when my co author brought up this topic I was very impressed. Impressed for two reasons…. One, her young age actually noticing the fact that there is a fundamental change in how we raise our kids and two, wanting to broach this subject can bring lots of discourse. Since I am three times her age my mindset is “this is our place and we can write about whatever we want!” So you go girl! Amanda your fearlessness is why I wanted you here!
Also, reading Amanda’s piece made me think of an incident from when she was a little girl. She probably does not remember this, but it relates to exactly what she is talking about. We are neighbors, and she was visiting with her mom and dad when she was about ten. Her mom and I were chatting about something, and Amanda wanted to do something (I really cannot remember what it was; maybe she wanted to leave). Her mom, who is a wonderful person, had given her a reply that she did not like. Being a ten-year-old, she copped an attitude and was giving her mother a hard time.
Feeling bad for my friend, who was trying to be so diplomatic with her daughter, I took it upon myself to “embarrass Amanda.” I stepped in and said, “Amanda! You should not be speaking to your mother like that!”
I remember thinking later, “I probably should not have said that. Maybe my friend felt it was not my place.” Well, if I remember correctly, her mom was very gracious at the time and thanked me for saying something to Amanda. Whether she really felt that way or not, I don’t think she would have told me to butt out, even if that was what she was thinking.
When I reflect on it now, I was not trying to be a buttinsky… I was trying to be helpful at the time. And fortunately, Amanda turned out pretty well, and the embarrassment did not scar her for life… Luckily for me, I did not lose my friendship with her mom, either.
Boomer Perspective
So, as I stated, I am much older… I am a parent and a grandparent now. When I was a child, we were taught to show total respect for our elders, regardless of who they were. “Gentle parenting” would have been rejected outright. And this is not to say that the older generations condoned physical or emotional abuse. It was just that children were expected to understand that they were the children and the adults were in charge! What a concept.. lol
As a parent myself, I know I did not employ “gentle parenting,” but neither did I employ the extremes of my mother’s generation. My children were brought up to respect their elders, regardless of their relationship to them. Obviously, adults are not always right, and that is something children will learn as they experience life. But that does not give them the right to disrespect people older than them. They certainly can disagree with their elders, but we as elders (and I’m not talking about those who are abusive or unkind) should be treated with reverence. And I know the argument is that respect is earned, and I do not disagree with that. But unless an older person has mistreated you, you should consider their seniority a form of “earned” respect.
Being a grandparent is a challenge at times. I don’t want to have the job of parenting again and I am not their parent. But then again, in my care or not, I’m not going to tolerate disrespect in my presence. This is a very tight rope we as grandparents walk. You don’t want to contradict your own child but you also want to maintain your own morals. Children need to learn that there are different rules depending on the situation. We all have to or should adhere to rules in school, government, or different households. If we let children selectively decide for themselves are we really doing them any favors for their future?
Actually, once a parent always a parent, you never lose the job. It just changes as your children become adults. And even then, that is a challenge. We did the best we could with the information we had at the time. We applied fundamentals equally but the tactics used for each child varied slightly due to personality. You hope that the job you did produced well-adjusted adults and you did not cause permanent damage…. But then again, as we become adults, we have to take responsibility for ourselves at some point. No parenting style is perfect. The victim cards thwarts all personal growth.
Personally, I do agree with Amanda that the new psychology, along with technology, is eroding the fabric of our youth. And let’s not let the adults off the hook, either. We have lost our ability to treat each other with respect and kindness. Our focus is so much on ME that we cannot see the value of civility. I pray for a little “old school” mentality. We certainly need something to bring us back to thinking not only of ourselves but also of our extended family: humanity.
