Deborah
May is here and we are finally feeling springy! I love the month of May as it brings budding flowers and trees and signs of new life. Seems like an appropriate month to celebrate Mother’s Day; the day where we all pay tribute to the biological or adoptive maternal figure in our life.
Not to be redundant, as I’m sure I have written about the importance of mother’s in previous posts, but I personally have been feeling the intensity of my role as a “mother”. So, for my own therapy I decided since Mother’s Day is coming up I should share my thoughts and feelings on being a mother.
I did not become a mother very young like my own. My first child was born when I was the ripe ole age of thirty, pretty darn old! According to the CDC, the median age for first time mothers in 1990 was 26 https://www.cdc.gov/nchs/data/nvsr/nvsr51/nvsr51_01.pdf. I guess comparatively speaking it was only a four year difference versus a nine year difference for my mother. The average age currently is 27, https://www.scrippsnews.com/life/the-average-age-of-new-mothers-is-rising-in-the-us, so in thirty years it’s only slightly older.
My memories of childhood had me convinced I needed to be much older when I became a mother. I totally wanted to be ready and not have any doubts about taking on that responsibility. I knew what a monumental task it was firsthand by watching my mother and by my role as an older sister by nine years.
The saying “your life is never the same after children” was something I did not need convincing of. But I remember being twenty five and going to a few weddings of my friends thinking time was slipping away from me. I began to feel that ticking of the biological clock. Now, I knew women were having children later in life but it certainly felt like I was in a race against time. I loved my career but I could not deny I did want a committed relationship and family. Although my childhood was not “perfect” it did not deter me from wanting a family.
Of course, I was fooling myself. I did find love and was ready for children shortly after we married. Thankfully, my husband went along with it. I’m not quite sure he thought he was ready but he definitely knew I was. I must have haunted the poor guy until he relented, it only took nine months. I was on cloud nine and was more ready than ever to become a mom, so I thought.
What to Expect when you are Expecting was the book I ran out and bought and devoured every page. I wanted to do everything natural so my baby would have the best of everything. Little did I know that no one and I mean absolutely no one can ever prepare you enough for what you are about to embark on. And since you cannot prepare for the unknowns, you should definitely prepare for the “KNOWNS,” hence the book.
We won’t go into all the gory details as no one needs to be dissuaded to having children or relive their own experiences lol. But, it couldn’t have been all that bad as I had another child 17 months later. You must be thinking I had it all under control and figured what the heck, may as well keep going…. Well, I have to admit as enamored as I was with my newborn I remember the overwhelming feeling when I got home that I was going to be an absolute failure.
Now, I’m sure some of it could have been hormonal but I remember looking at this perfect little being and thinking to myself, how in God’s name am I going to be able to take care of her and protect her from the world? I don’t know if every woman feels this way but the gravity of the role I was taking on hit me like a ton of bricks. I am this child’s mother and the effect I have on her will be with her for life. I cannot fail at this.
Well, in hindsight there are definitely things I would have done differently. Did I fail? I guess you would have to ask them. From the outside looking in, it certainly looks like I was somewhat of a success. They are both successful, kind, and independent women. They are the best and the worst of me. And, of course I did go on to have a son. Three was always my number. I count him as my miracle child as he was my last try after two consecutive miscarriages. Most would say he turned out pretty well also.
Maybe they all turned out so great due the fatherly influence but we are not going to consider that since this is about MOTHERS. And NO, men cannot be mothers… you won’t find that opinion on this blog.
At this stage of my life I’m still a mother…. and a mother looking at her own daughters experiencing motherhood. I know my bond with my mother became stronger when I became a mom. It was the first time I could actually say I knew what kind of love you experience when you bring forth life into the world. It’s a feeling like no other.. I know all mother’s say… you just wait until you are a mother… then you will know… And by golly they are right.
Mothers would lay down their lives for their children. They would take every pain and sadness away if they could. We may not always be right but mother’s intuition I can guarantee you is almost 100% spot on. I remember one of my daughters saying to me, ” I absolutely hate it when you are right… and most times you are.” It’s not that we want to be right all the time… we are in protect mode and we cannot ignore our inner instincts or feelings. And btw… in today’s world I was surprised to learn the maternal instinct is being discredited by many http://Healthline https://www.healthline.com › health › parenting › maternal-instinct… but I think if you are a mom most know otherwise.
To all the mothers out there I applaud all your efforts. We all know it can be such a thankless job. But at the end of the day we wouldn’t trade it for the world. For the new mothers (especially my daughters) – be kind to yourselves. You will make mistakes, but remember children are resilient as you are both living proof. Unfortunately you cannot protect your child from every illness, disappointment, or rejection in life. And even though we want to, I don’t think we are meant to. As long as you are loving them you will be their safe haven when life gets difficult.
To my girls, learn from my mistakes and implement your fondest of memories. I can assure you, you will be phenomenal moms. I’m already witnessing your strides through one of the biggest transitions of your life. The gravity of the responsibility you have taken on is rewarded with immense greatness. With all my love, Happy Mother’s Day.
“Being a mama can be tough, but always remember in the eyes of your child, no one does it better than you.” – Unknown
Natalie
Like my co-author, I too share a love for the month of May. As far as this post on motherhood though, we have two obviously different perspectives being as I am looking forward and she is reflecting back. Even our shared “pre motherhood” experiences differ. I being the youngest child, did not ever have a younger sibling to look after and if I’m being honest I always enjoyed my spot as the youngest. I don’t ever recall yearning to get to be someone’s “Big Sister” that some kids do.
My love for mothering did come early though not through a sibling but my Mommy’s little Patient, named Patience, and my American girl, Ashley. The absence of the word “doll” is intentional. You could not use that word around me when it came to Patience and Ashley, they were fully treated as my own kin.
I would bring them anywhere I could and if I couldn’t I had proper child care lined up: My dad while I was at school most days and Grammy for any longer trips where children weren’t allowed. What I remember most about those years was not just my maternal love for them but extending them into our family. I kind of had to though, single mom ya know? I would always make sure they had presents to give their grandparents at Christmas or on Mother/Father’s day in addition to my own.Coming from a large extended family, I’ve always known how important those relationships would be when I had kids
Tatum had her own baby *doll* a new born baby whom we called…new born baby… and American girl, Tina. I loved how my girls got to do things with their “cousins”. Tatum, being two years older than me, started to fall out of the dolls era earlier and I remember how disheartening that felt to see her level of care and interest fall off from our girls. I definitely had some moments I felt it best I take custody of all four.
I should probably reference some flesh and blood experiences before you think I am too delusional. The first real baby I can remember holding (and just remember in general) was my younger cousin Morgan at the age of seven. I remember her affinity for my oldest sister, Micki, and how badly I wanted to just have that natural connection with little baby Morgan.
Months later when my next younger cousin, Maksim, was born he was relatively favorable of me during his infancy and early childhood as I remember. My uncle had lived in Connecticut at the time so I didn’t see him as frequently as Morgan but I can picture him smiling at me and his Mom pointing out that he was.
I am never more touched, flattered, or content as when a baby likes me or is comforted by me. In the same breath, nothing makes me feel so inept as holding an infant who cannot be consoled and having to pass them over to someone who can. I question if they can smell a lack of maternal instinct? Does anyone else feel the same? I lean to believing it’s a woman thing because I’ve never heard any man express a similar sentiment regarding babies in general, whether it be their own or closely related. Maybe it’s truly just my own sensitivity.
I’ve said for many years now not being able to have children as my greatest rational fear. I don’t think fertility issues is something many people consider until they’re actually trying so it seems I’ve thought about this earlier than most. My mom and her sisters all had struggles with uterine fibroids. While not uncommon or always harmful, the fibroids did cause complications to varying degrees for the women in my family.
I myself had an ovarian blood cyst at sixteen. Again, while not uncommon it was still worrisome to me at that time, especially reading about consequences of rupture. I started the pill then to manage cysts. Though it was not a fix all, because about ten months later I had a pulmonary embolism. With my predisposition to blood clots and the inherent increase at pregnancy, all these medical concerns run through my head and fuel that fear of fertility troubles.
We go how many years hoping to not be pregnant to wishing to be. So as I sit here 25 and almost 3/4s struggling with my shortcomings and feelings of wishing to be more ahead and stable (all the things I should/could have/be doing better) for marriage and children. I also really struggle with the fear of the things I may not be able to control. Yes of course, it is amazing that we are in a time where there are so many options for people struggling to conceive whether that be IVF, surrogacy, or adoption, all of those paths with their respective battles.
I feel my ever emerging interest in health and wellness comes a lot from wanting my body and mind to be as healthy and prepared to carry and raise children as possible. I find this sort of “preparation mindset” in a lot of my thinking. Especially, in working with kids, I imagine daily how I would act as a parent. And on a grander scale, my world view and political reasonings have become more forward focused. I have been considering my relationship with religion more recently and what raising kids with religion looks like. I think about the education system. What if I have special needs; in what way can they be successful? Things like this. My hopes and fears alike are less in the present about me and more about what do I want the world to look like for my children.
I feel very blessed to have so many woman whose experiences in motherhood, auntiehood, and womanhood, I can learn from. None greater of course than my own mother. My mom has never spoken about motherhood in a romanticized or naive way. She’s always been honest, authentic, strong yet vulnerable about the best and worst parts. I can’t speak for her but as her child that’s what’s defined her motherhood style: honest, authentic, strong yet vulnerable. I’m sure she will carry herself the same way into grandmotherhood.
“Mothers of daughters are daughters of mothers and have remained so, in circles joined to circles, since time began.” – Signe Hammer
