Deb
Sister-a female who has one or both parents in common with another. : a girl or woman regarded as a comrade. Both of these definitions pretty much encapsulate my meaning of the word. But depending on birth order and age difference, comrade may not apply early on. Nevertheless, sister whether by blood or soul is a bond.
You see, I was sister free for the first nine years of my life. And as the bio states I was the child of a child bride. So, it’s not surprising it took so long for a sibling to arrive. I do remember being so excited to be getting a sibling. Being an only child was quite lonely. I think I even got to contribute in deciding the name. I must have really wanted a sister because I can only remember suggesting a girls name.
I had just turned nine when my sister “Kimberly” arrived (love that name). I was over the moon as my mother chose the name I had named my baby doll. Most of my memories of that first year as far as I can remember, were happy ones. She was like having my very own baby doll, but only better as she was real. I adored her and wanted to do everything for her. At nine years old I learned very quickly how to care for an infant. I felt more like her second mother than her sister.
As much as I loved her there were time I bean to resent her as we grew older. The way she was treated versus the way I was at her age was so very apparent. They seemed to have more patience with her and she appeared to get everything she wanted. As a child myself it was difficult to not blame her. On some level I knew it wasn’t her fault. But as I eed my teenage years it just added to my typical teen struggles.
The novelty of taking care of her had worn off and I began to see caring for her as a burden. My priorities were switching to trying to make friends my own age and of course, boys. I just wanted to engage in teenage activities and many times I could not as I had to watch her. I’m sure my unhappiness regrettably was taken out on her which did not strengthen our bond.
I’m also pretty sure she wasn’t too fond of me at that time as I acted more like her mother than her sister. I know she resented it by the way she responded to me. Of course we fed off of each other. She shared more of a sisterly bond with our next door neighbor Krissy who if I remember correctly was only a year younger. To this day they still share a sisterly bond. No one said you had to share blood to be a sister. I was happy she had her as I was a lonely child at her age, so I knew how much it meant to have someone close by to play with.
For me, it felt like we both had two different parents. The parent -child dynamic was very different for both of us. I saw myself as such a burden to my parents while she appeared to be a wondrous gift to them. But she was still my sister and I hated myself for my jealousy of her.
As I got older and began to live my life I learned to not compare my childhood to hers. In reality, we did have two different experiences. She experienced parents that were more ready for her arrival. They had grown and matured over nine years. As I wrestled with my own demons, I found refuge through therapy and was able to understand my feelings of inadequacy and inferiority.
Years continued to go by and my sister and I were experiencing life in different stages. I would, as age would have it, experience things first. By the time Kim was reaching certain milestones I had already been there and was experiencing new ones that she couldn’t yet relate to. The age difference would take a long time for us to be close enough to actually have similar experiences. The physical distance also did not make it easy for our relationship to thrive as I had moved an hour away.
She was and is a spirited, compassionate and artistic soul. She was and is an exceptional dancer, something else I so envied. The one commonality that I did share with her, she got to experience throughout her life via dance classes and owning her own dance studio. I got to watch. I did take a dance class here and there but I could never make it a priority for lots of different reasons. I lived vicariously through her.
She has always lived close to our parents and I was happy that she was there for them. Our relationship became somewhat stronger when she got married and had children. These were things we could actually share. But the distance was still there, physically and emotionally. I was never really her go to. It saddened me as I felt I was to blame.
When I say “go to” I refer to it in a big sister sort of way not in a friend aspect. I would not have expected her to view me as a friend she would hang around with and share secrets with. We were too far apart in age for that. But I felt I was not her go to in times of difficulty or confusion. We all go through trying times and since I had already been down those paths I wish I had made her feel as she could come to me.
I know we have different opinions on many things. But I always take differences as opportunities to learn and grow. Differences are what make us unique. And of course, along with differences we all have similarities. And as sisters we do have a few – short, loud, and opinionated. 🤣
One thing I have learned, we are all products of our experiences. These experiences shape our perspectives which contributes to why we see things differently. It does not necessarily mean one is wrong and one is right. We all have heard that phrase “if only I knew then what I know now.” There is so much truth to that statement. The key is, to not only know it, but learn from it. What I know now is the bond with your sister is forever. Regardless of your age or your differences we will always have your back. We will be there for you whenever you are in need or even when you don’t. To have a sister is a “wondrous gift.” And if you have more than one you are doubly blessed. So don’t dwell on the past, make every sisterly moment count.
Nat
There was one time and only one time I ever celebrated Sister Appreciation Day. If I had to guess I was about 4 and Tatum was 6. I walked out to the pool in my little yellow nightgown on one hot summer day and Tatum was already in there, full swim attire: suit & goggles. My big sister invited me to come on a “boat ride” for “Sister Appreciation” Day.
So I boarded the single person raft with my sister and as you can imagine we immediately tipped over. I was soaked, tangled up in my nightgown, scared and definitely NOT feeling appreciative of my sister. And if you’re wondering where Jim ((dad) was in all of this with his two young children unadvised in a swimming pool…. Yeah just go read the nice things I said last month. Alls well that ends well.
Now I can say with confidence, Sister Appreciation Day was a holiday Tatum made up and if by some chance it’s not I would put money on the fact that it was not actually on the day we were “celebrating”. However, maybe there should indeed be a sisters’ day. Inclusivity and efficiency would probably push us to a “siblings” day but I think there is something so special and specific to having and being a sister.
For starters, I prefer men with sisters. I can’t speak with any statistical significance but I think (with some exceptions of course) as friends and partners men who have sisters just get a little bit of a leg up on familiarity, empathy, and general understanding of women.
I didn’t realize it before but I am pretty sure all of my female friend’s have sisters. All of which have positive relationships with their sisters as well. It seems like having a sister is your first iteration of a female friend.
I am lucky enough to have two sisters. Both of which are older, making me the favorite …. I mean the baby. Unlike most people I have a huge age gap of 17 years between my oldest sister and myself. So for Alana (aka Micki) and myself, we did not have the quintessential sisterly upbringing. Micki never in my memory ever even lived with me. But as I became older, especially in middle and even more so high school, Mick did all of the typical big sister things.
She’s always influencecd my music taste and the books I read. We would share interest in all the big franchises like Twilight and the Hunger Games. Leading with her own knowledge and experiences, she has talked me through so many moments of family struggles whether it be conflict or grief. Moments that often weighed on me in ways I could not verbalize, she was able to recognize and console me. She taught me how to drive. And of course like any big sister would, Micki picked me up a few times when I was let’s say not in a state of mind where I would have wanted to call my parents.
My sister Tatum and I are only 22 months apart. One would probably expect us to have that close sisterly bond. In some ways we do, in many we do not. Tatum is artistic, gentle, cautious, and since we were little described as a very free-spirit. And while I may be some of those things as well, they present very differently. We’ve always had different interests and different senses of humor, just not a ton of commonalities to “bond” over. I would say as we got older we have grown to have more. Maybe we gave up trying to be different.
Tatum and I never were really competitive with each other. Probably due to our different interests. Even when we played soccer; she was a goal keeper, I was a forward wing. Couldn’t be farther apart on the field. I did feel we were often compared. Tactlessly, I feel like I was always made out to be the bitch in comparison to Tatum. It felt like because I am more bolder and more assertive, I was deemed meaner.
My praise was always for my intellect and Tatum got all the credit for being the one with the good heart. I felt more was always expected of me and it sometimes made me feel like I was the “big sister”. I know there were times I resented her for this but that was misplaced. I can’t blame Tatum for the way other people treat her.
Despite our differences, I’ve come to appreciate the deep empathy Tatum and I share and have always had for each other. Tatum has always been protective of me in every way a big sister should and has never not been willing to help me. It has always hurt me deeply when Tatum has hurt and struggled. She has always been such a big fan of mine. I often wish she would stand up for herself the way she stands up for me.
A trio is a very hard dynamic to maintain; it leaves so much room for one person to feel left out. Tatum and I got to enjoy childhood together while Micki had already grown up. I’ve seen my sisters have a stronger bond in the time I’ve been away. However, the moments I most treasure with my sisters are times we share all together. There’s been a lot of ski/snowboarding trips, late night drives, weekday dinners out, and more that we’ve shared, all three of us. I’ve felt the relationship between all three of us has been able to grow more the older we get. I’ll never forget coming home one night after being out with my sisters. My mom said so casually, “I like when the sisters do things all together.” Me too, Mom.
