I’ve been avoiding my blog for some time now. Not sure why as one would think I have an enormous amount of time on my hands due to this, how should I phrase it? Perilous pandemic? I don’t know about you but my head spins on a daily basis. I feel like I can’t escape it. I want to but I’m not sure how to as we are mandated to stay at home.
Now I know location is not a remedy for escape but somehow it mentally confines me. The only time I’m not thinking about Covid- 19 is when I am working or when I am adjusting to the transition of my last child leaving my home, truly leaving me an empty nester. Now for the those of you that might not know, I do have my oldest daughter at home. But this is round two as she left our home after college and has recently returned temporarily. So I’m anticipating her permanent departure by fall, the latest. So in reality, it seems like I have already experienced that loss. Does that make any sense?
When I’m not trying to educate myself on this virus I’m walking around the house looking at the changing bedroom in my home that is no longer occupied by my baby boy of 22. Not quite a baby, but as a mom I will always consider him my baby as he is the youngest. Having experienced the two older siblings (both girls) leave home, you know it’s coming but you are never really quite ready no matter how prepared you think you are. Adjusting for a third time, you would think I would have this down by now.
He had talked about his goal to buy a house for a few moths after he graduated college which was about a year and a half ago. Of course to be able to achieve this goal he had to find a job. This was a little more challenging than he had anticipated but by June of last year he finally landed a position. So the next step was to save money and prepare. This journey he decided would entail a joint venture with a couple of old friends. This plan I did not totally support but kept to myself. I have to say the process was a lot quicker than I thought it would take him. I guess he really wanted to be out on his own. I felt like he rushed it but I tried to remain supportive.
After finding a property only a few months into the process his next step was to obtain financing. He did turn to me for some basic advice on the process as this is my line of work. He took some of my advice but was reluctant to take it all, stubborn like his other parent, definitely not like me. 🤣Luckily for him he ended up using a company that one of my close friends was the Account Rep for. This was extremely valuable. This process is never as smooth as a first time home buyer anticipates. I tried very much not to intervene too much as I could see he didn’t want his “know it all mother” making him look incompetent. So… I really did try my best to keep my mouth shut. Of course you do know how difficult that was for me….
So he finally closed on his home incurring some sizeable debt and all of the responsibilities of home ownership. The process itself is harrowing, throw in a global pandemic and even I wasn’t sure how it would all play out . It’s surprising he got to the finish line. Me, being selfish was hoping it wouldn’t happen at all. Well, it did… For him it will be a memorable first home ownership experience to say the least. I bought my home during a pandemic, two firsts. One, hopefully not to be experienced again. The second, definitely hoping to experience again as this home was absolutely not going to be his lifelong residence.
The experience for me lingered as due to the pandemic he slowly moved out. A little bit of torture every time he moved something . In reality he was not supposed to be going back and forth. He moved only ten minutes away to Rhode Island and we live in Massachusetts. So he was basically not supposed to cross state lines and return, per the Governor of RI. I’m guessing he incurred many fines by now…😷
I remember when I moved out of my parents home. It was the strangest feeling. To no longer call a home that I had lived in for 20+ years “my home” was the saddest feeling. Now the saddest feeling is my children no longer thinking of my home as their home. It will be the first time this Christmas morning I will be waking up without at least one child in my home. I think about this and it puts a deep ache in my heart. I don’t look forward to Christmas this year albeit one of my favorite holidays. Another adjustment.
It’s funny how this progression weighs differently on people. I am going to miss him sitting in my office while I work. I became quite used to him hopping downstairs (as he is fortunate to work from home also, not only due to the pandemic) and lying on my couch in my office doing his work while I worked. I’ll miss our incredibly stimulating conversations on politics. I’ll miss his hugs at random times during the day. I’ll miss our arguments about silly thing, the list can go on and on. Most of all, I know you will think this is a bunch of BS but I’ll miss picking his socks up from the couch where he last took them off. And of course complaining about it. I know I have to let go and I am extremely proud of him taking on this responsibility. He has already displayed he is an accomplished young man. I know this move will provide him with new challenges to enhance his character and capabilities. I will just have to adjust.
Adjust… I’m at my limit with the adjusting. Social distancing and staying home is another huge adjustment for me. Initially, I thought it wasn’t happening. I was in denial when my son told me over a month ago that we had to go to BJ’s and stock up on supplies. I had just returned from a 4 day weekend in Nashville and I thought he and my husband were out of their minds. I decided to go along to get out of the house as I like to shop, it’s the way I relax.
I was amazed when we got there. The reality of the situation was starting to kick in. The shelves were bare of toilet paper and paper towels. WHY? No rice, no pasta… I was shocked as I had never seen BJ’s out of anything. And that my friends was the beginning of my first realization of what was coming.
So along with the rest of the nation, I started to pay closer attention to the headlines. The White House was informing us daily of what was to take place once the virus began to spread throughout the US. There was alarming news from around the rest of the globe and we were initiating steps to prepare ourselves for the deadly onslaught. I couldn’t believe that we went from Americans not being at risk by experts in late January to millions are going to die 45 days later. So I started to take this pandemic seriously.
Listening to media regarding what other countries had already experienced was eye opening. It was portrayed as highly contagious and with a much higher fatality rate than any other virus. When I thought of viruses I always thought that most did not cause death. That if one succumbed to death from a virus it was usually due to another complication. Of course anyone with additional risk factors along with the elderly were always a high risk. The way it was initially conveyed was that the virus was dangerous to all.
So, we prepared ourselves the best we could for a lock down or “shelter in place” as they pleasantly phrased it. The necessity succinctly put, was to not overwhelm our health care system as the models predicted thousands of cases and an unfathomable amount of deaths. So the world as we knew it changed over night. It felt so surreal.. like I was in some sci-fi thriller.
For weeks, I along with the rest of the country waited and worried. We were glued to our social media and our TV’s when we weren’t working as we had nothing else to do. As the virus spread the panic became more real. But as the days passed and we had the resources we needed the numbers were not what the models had predicted. It continues to be debated as our economy has come to a screeching halt due to “sheltering in place”.
It’s been almost two months of “shelter in place” and I am slowly losing my mind. One would think, working from home this would not be such a big adjustment for me. But I guess it’s the old psychology trick. You always want to do the thing you are told you cannot. In all honesty, the hardest thing for me is not being able to hug.. I’m a huge hugger. And hugging is a good thing!! There is science behind hugging. Hugging releases endorphins, chemicals in the body that make you feel good.. God knows we all need to feel good, especially now. Maybe this is why I need to hug so often… I like feeling good..shocking isn’t it? Now of course I can hug my husband and this is a big comfort. But I like to hug everyone I love. To me it shows how much I care about them.. I am missing so many of my loved ones, friends, family, and especially my parents. Thank God for iPhones. I wouldn’t be able to see my mother’s beautiful face without this technology. I have already broken the mandate by travelling to RI to social distance outside of her house for Easter. It was so worth the risk, but not being able to hug was horrible, something I’m not willing to adjust to forever..
This pandemic has not only caused hardship in lives lost but in lives ruined. We are slowly trying to come out of this nightmare. People still arguing, still blaming and still trying to force their will on others’ freedoms. I remember 9-11 and how that affected my life. Still to this day never the same. This also gives me that similar feeling. Media says that we will never go back to normal. There will be a new normal. I find it amazing how we as a country are changing. I fear for my children and not because of the threat of a virus.
I have little trust in my government and my medical community. I’m tired of everyone who is an elected official only thinking about their own agendas. They care not about the people who they represent, only power. The medical community has not been very impressive either with the way they have handled this pandemic. And I in no way mean the dedicated nurses and doctors doing the best they can with the information & tools they are given. We are losing our country and what our fore fathers fought so fiercely for. I’ve never been so disappointed in my fellow Americans than I am now. Of course not all, but so many.. Not because they don’t share my views but because they have lost site of what being an American stands for. It’s like they never had a history class.
Do we evolve? Yes..Sure we can always be better. But to lose site of how we got here and what made this country great is a travesty. If this continues we will no longer be recognizable from any other socialist country. So, I continue to adjust… to the new normal in more aspects of my life than I would ever ever have expected. Be well my friends and live as we all know tomorrow is not guaranteed for any of us. As mom would say, when God calls us he calls us. Virus or no virus…
