I’m starting this blog with much regret. Regret that I haven’t exercised what I love in almost two months. Regret, having no one to blame but myself. Regret, a word most of us try to avoid at all costs but don’t realize until it is too late that we caused our own regret. It’s something we actually don’t like to think about do we? I know I keep avoiding it like the plague. But avoidance never solved a problem did it?
I don’t know why I went back to work full time. I don’t know why I felt compelled to continue on the same path as I have always been on especially since I had the opportunity to change course. It was an unexpected gift and I squandered it. I think I thought I was young enough to be able to do both. The problem is, I’m pretty sure I’m not, especially since I have not sat down to exercise my passion in almost two months.
Do you remember that song, Time In a Bottle by Jim Croce? The younger readers (if I have any, which I so hope I do) may not. The song, obviously by the title is about time… Specifically about spending time with someone, which is of course the most important way we as humans can spend our time. Unfortunately, as the song says there is never enough time.
Time, our most precious commodity. Something that effects us every moment of our being. Something that is infinite but not for us, making it all the more precious. But we as humans don’t really view it that way until we think our time is running out. Due to the nature of our survival it is the same for most of. Most of us do not have the luxury to do whatever we want whenever we want, just for the pure reason we need to earn a living and take care of obligations just to extend our time here.
We wake up each day with most of our time allotted for from the time we wake up to the time we put our heads on the pillow. And the few hours that we are not working, doing chores, taking care of our loved ones be it children, parents, animals there isn’t much energy left to do anything else. As we go through each stage of life there is always something else to take care of until we are able to live long enough to retire. By that time, some of us are so tired we have little energy remaining to pursue our passions and feel it is too late to learn something new. But due to science and our extended lifespans that truly is not the case anymore… it’s just how I feel sometimes, legitimately or not.
But I had the opportunity which a lot of brave souls ( I obviously am not one of them) decide to take. They change the direction of their lives and embark on a different path. I admire these people more than I can put into words. It is not easy to leave something you are so used to doing which earns you a decent living (especially when you have nothing or no one to fall back on like I did) and jump in and not look back.
I could have been that person and changed my life totally. An unexpected layoff gave me a glimpse of what my life could be like without sitting at a desk from 8-6, most days staring at a computer. I so enjoyed those three months off. I was doing so much for myself and started this exciting blogging journey. Writing, something I have always loved to do.
So why did I go back? It’s not that I hate providing home ownership for people because I don’t. But our world has changed so much, it depresses me a lot of the time. It was a goal most of us worked hard to attain. Now, it is more like everyone who wants, gets. Everyone has the I’m owed it attitude. Values and ethics are so diminished in this world at this time. It saddens me and I have become very cynical. No one values anyone’s time anymore but their own. So, a lot of the joy is gone. So why did I go back? I really wish I had the answer to that question. I have been searching for it for the past three months.
Maybe I went back because the state was relentless. The process for a white collar worker was quite rigorous. It was obvious they wanted you back to work ASAP. They were making sure I earned that unemployment income I had been putting into the system for 25+ years. I felt guilty I didn’t have a job immediately. To transition to something other than my field was allowed but extremely difficult. Being who I am I let the guilt push me back into my field as soon as an opportunity presented itself.
Maybe I went back because I was also afraid of failure. I think I wanted to see instant results on my blog. And why are results so important if I am writing because I enjoy it? I guess I want readers, and I want them to enjoy and react to what I write. This is such an unrealistic expectation to expect so much so soon. I know this.
Or maybe, it’s just hard letting go of something that was such a large part of me. It appears there could be many reasons why I decided to go back. But back I did go…
I went back thinking I could do both which is how I tried to rationalize it. I don’t know why I thought I could do it part time at my age. From staring at a computer all day, my acuity is decreased. I usually just want to disconnect. The weekends are also limited as I’m doing chores I didn’t do during the week. I’m a perfectionist and I won’t post anything until I feel it expresses exactly what I want it to say and how I want to say it. The bigger challenge is trying to educate myself on the entire process. I need a young assistant that is technically savvy and knows exactly how to utilize all of the resources available. It is just a struggle to do this as effectively as I would like. I realize I don’t have enough time in my day to execute and educate to promote readership.
Enough of the woe is me …. I have some regret but I don’t have to give in totally. I don’t want to be that person who looks back and says “I should have”. I did take the first step of starting something I love to do. I have to find a way to continue on this journey however long it takes. I may run out of time trying but I refuse to give in and live with the regret of discontinuing my joy of writing, regardless of where it leads.
I may have experienced a hiccup along the way but I do not regret starting this adventure and I will try to avoid future regret. I have so many blessings in my life that I have to focus on what I have accomplished thus far and let it motivate me to find alternative methods to continue my passion and feed my soul. I choose to look at the glass half full, not half empty.
At least I was able to get a post done in time for one one of my favorite holidays,Thanksgiving. A holiday where there are no regrets as I am spending it with everyone who is so precious to me, my family. May we all put our squabbles behind us and have no regrets by telling our loved ones how valued they are in our lives. It’s a life well lived if we can look back and not have ANY regrets. We want to live every day as if it is our last and be sure to do and say what we need to so we never have to live with that desolate feeling of “I should have”. I may not have enough time, but I refuse to have time for regret. Thanksgiving should be everyday.🙏🦃