So last week, on Mother’s Day I got thinking.. I started mulling over the word “mother”. As far as I’m concerned, every day should be Mother’s Day. We need to remember the value of mothers more- also I don’t know about you but I wouldn’t mind being celebrated daily. But we all know that’s a pipe dream. 😂
The definition from the dictionary states- Mother: a woman who conceives, gives birth to, OR raises and nurtures a child. Not to mention we all know it doesn’t have to be a human child that you mother- as we have many pet moms too! You should see my daughters with their dogs, the amount of love they have for their “babies” is amazing and slightly comical. In my humble experience, whatever kind of mother you are it is undoubtedly a selfless act of love. But I’m sure many would disagree. And I can certainly understand why. Not all mothers are good mothers. The act of giving birth doesn’t make you a “mother” in the true sense of the word. And on the flip side of the definition, you don’t have to give birth to be a great mother.
Are we all meant to be mothers? I guess being female- one would think that is our biological calling. But there are many women out there that should never be mothers. Just because many women think it is expected of us doesn’t necessarily mean we should follow through. You are no more or no less of a woman if you decide not to give birth or are physically incapable of doing so. It is your decision to embark on the uncertain journey, or not. It’s a decision that has life changing results which can lead to both joy and sorrow. Trust me- my kids have brought me PLENTY of both. For those women who know themselves and decide not to become mothers for whatever their reasons may be, I respect them for respecting human life and themselves. Nothing is gained by keeping an unwanted child, for neither the mother nor the child.
Being a mother is so much more than the word describes. The mother-child bond is one of the most intimate of relationships. Sometimes I think the bond emanates from the carrying of life within our bodies. There really is nothing quite like that experience from my perspective. I can’t think of anything else that I can compare it to, nothing comes close on so many different levels, emotionally or physically. I hurt just thinking about the idea of giving birth again (which is never going to happen again in this lifetime)! I’m not sure how I was ever convinced to do it again after a torturous 18 hour labor and ultimate C-section. I didn’t only do it once more but twice! Seriously.. after baby number two arrived and redefined tantrums- you’d think that would have been it for me. Each subsequent delivery was no better than the prior. I think after number three which was comparable to “birth on the Serengeti” (you really do NOT want to know the details of this delivery) I finally decided I had had enough. If you haven’t lived this, it’s hard to imagine the extent of love you can feel even after being tortured beyond belief.
On the other hand- I would never diminish the love between a mother and a non-biological child. Many of these women are better mothers than some biological mothers. And I guess that is what perplexes me so much. After carrying this child inside of your body for 9 months, how do you not love it with such an intensity? It was and is a part of you. Or maybe, is simply loving a child not enough to make you a good mother? I feel strongly that for the women who do not have these maternal feelings it is better to not have children. If you have to give birth because of some “oops” then give the child to someone who longs for them and cannot have them. This is a gift for both the woman and the child, both who want and deserve this love . The decision to choose to give your child up for adoption is also a display of love, although on the face it appears selfish. The truth of it is, you are making a decision based upon what is in the best interest of the child and for you- knowing it would be a struggle to do otherwise.
Once you give birth, adopt, or even foster you are automatically labeled a “mother.” But possessing this title does not necessarily make you one. It is a lifelong commitment which you earn as you go. This decision to take on this commitment is sometimes hurled at you without preparation. Let’s face it, not everyone plans to have children, sometimes they truly are “accidents.” Hard to believe there are any “accidents” in this day and age with all the different forms of birth control available. But as humans, we sometimes don’t think and let our emotions take over in the spontaneity of a situation. Thus an “oops”. Case in point, “yours truly”. Although many start out unplanned, often they still end up being loved.
Alright so I realize this is getting pretty lengthy at this point but bear with me a little longer. Nowadays, if these unplanned events occur there are more alternatives. The decision to become a mother can be postponed (a topic for a different day). But years ago there were not a lot of options. And if you were from a Catholic family, whether you liked it or not you WERE going to have the child of an unplanned pregnancy. I can only imagine the turmoil when finding out your repercussions of “rolling the dice”. Life as you know it is over. Now, ready or not you are faced with an enormous responsibility. Many times, an adolescent was now responsible for the shaping of a new life. I think of the courage it takes knowing you really don’t have any other choice. I think of how brave my mother was, barely sixteen responsible for an infant. I look at her pictures and think “she looks SO young.” And why is that? Because she WAS for god’s sake. Maybe she was more prepared than I imagine. Back then young girls were expected to do so much more within the household than they are today. But with all those responsibilities none compares to that of the care required of an infant. And it doesn’t stop there, the responsibility continues in all different forms until they leave your nest.
It certainly isn’t easy becoming a mother- even when you plan it. I cannot fathom what it’s like when you don’t! Whether you are giving birth or preparing for the arrival of your child, the doubts and fears loom over you like a cloud. As much as you are wanting this new life in your world, you start to wonder if you are adequate. How will I know what to do? Will I be a good mother? There is so much I don’t know. I don’t want to make the same mistakes my mother made (not saying you made any mom, but no one is perfect 🤷♀️ lol). I don’t want to screw up this new life. I give my mom all the credit in the world. I know it was extremely difficult sacrificing her dreams for a child. Her world catapulted into adulthood sooner than she expected or planned.
I know how much anxiety I had when I became a mother and I was thirty and as ready as I could be, or so I thought. There was nothing more in the world that I wanted than a baby, but I still felt unprepared even after reading every book I could get my hands on. I still had such fear that I was going to do it all wrong. Somewhat of an irrational thought but nevertheless it was so real in my mind.
We can read book upon book and pull from our memory banks what we learned from our own mother, but it never seems to be quite enough. We question ourselves constantly, rethinking every decision. No matter how old they are we worry that we did not do enough. Our love is endless, boundless, and unconditional. We would give our lives for them. We are by no means perfect and we make mistakes along the way. But our intentions are pure. We operate from a stance of only wanting the best for them. Sometimes, we have difficulty letting go and that I can say is from a selfish standpoint. Our job is complete when we can look at the human being you have cared for and see that they have turned into a kind, caring, and responsible individual. That is how I measure success in the job performed. It’s at this point that I have earned my title as “mother” and can now add the title of “friend.”
You feel somewhat accomplished but not totally. As they become adults and navigate the world for themselves you still question yourself when they struggle. You cannot make the decisions for them any longer and watching them live through life’s trials weighs heavy on your heart. Knowing the answers to fix or heal their stress and not be able to is like watching events happen through a glass. No one can hear you and you can’t reach them. A painful part of being a mother which you have little control over.
From the memory of Alaina sprinkling cinnamon all over the kitchen floor at 18 months and blaming her newborn sister (cinnamon on her feet was a bit of a giveaway… haha) to the numerous and I mean NUMEROUS memories of them fighting over who stole clothes from whose closet, for me the anguish of all my doubt seems pointless. I am the lucky mother of three incredible miracles. I tried, and continue to strive to be the best mother I can be.
Whether we as women find ourselves as a mother to a child, teen, another adult, or even an animal, it is our choice and it is the best feeling in the world. Giving of yourself to care for another is worthy of having a Hallmark Holiday every day.
