Natalie
It wasn’t until recently that I had the difference between envy and jealousy really defined to me. In my own mind, I had always defined envy as a more intense, even more insidious form of jealousy. Probably my Catholic background: envy as one of the seven deadly, “thou shall not covet..” Besides the literary difference, envy is a feeling toward something you don’t have but want, while jealousy is a feeling you have toward something you already have but are fearful of losing.
The most textbook response to feelings of jealousy or envy situates both feelings as a manifestation of insecurity. As natural of feelings as they are, ideally the more secure one is, the less jealousy or envy they would feel. So if the root of envy and jealousy are insecurity, what is the root of insecurity?
I am far from the psych degrees and licenses to really answer that question; probably a compilation of traumas, brain chemistry, and many other things. The one cause of insecurity I want to focus on in this piece stems from social comparisons. Just as naturally as jealousy or envy come, so does the persistent need to compare ourselves.
Now, comparison, jealousy, envy all tend to carry a very negative connotation. Hot take: I don’t think this always has to be true. To some degree, comparison can be motivating and a way to hold ourselves accountable. As I mentioned in January’s Post, our life is pretty much defined by benchmarks which are essentially just comparisons we’ve all agreed to be valid and reasonable.
When not motivational, comparison can be all consuming and those feelings of envy and jealousy become so quickly toxic. Of course, comparison is not a new concept but the prominence of social media, dating apps, AI, and anything related has only exacerbated the feelings. We are oversaturated with public and private lives.
Everyone has these feelings but since this is Feminine Findings I’d like to focus on the impacts specifically on women. The combination of our biological clock, men’s emphasis on physical attraction, and the pressures to make sure you appear as an empowered woman all leave us, or at least me, in constant conflict.
I tend to associate jealousy more with those pressures regarding relationships and attraction. While in relationships, I would definitely compare myself to my boyfriends’ past interests and feel jealous of whatever traits (physical or not) those girls had that I lacked. It’s honestly my most embarrassing and regretful part of my relationships. It makes me so sad for the girl I was at that time who would do that. Of course, I still feel jealous of some people’s traits; if I could go up a cup size and fix my squinty eye… in a heartbeat. But overall, I feel jealousy regarding my appearance and my jealousy in relationships moving forward is pretty minor and easily remediable.
That deeper feeling of envy comes more into play regarding career, money, ambition, and materialistic things. I hate the feeling of being envious. I hate to admit I’ve ever even felt it. It makes me feel like a bad person who can’t celebrate others. For me, I think the effects of comparison manifest more as anxiety than envy or some twisted combination of the two. I feel most envious of people around me hitting “benchmarks” I strive for (ie. buying a house, getting married, obtaining a dream job). Envy is so much more uncomfortable than jealousy. To me, it’s not as emotional as jealousy. It’s an obvious dissatisfaction. It’s a fearful confrontation of “I don’t have these things and what if I never will?”.
Comparison is not only limited to ourselves. Sometimes we even make external comparisons of those around us. This has always been a thing in romantic relationships but again with the presence of social media, I think the same is applying to friends and families. Seeing so many lives play out over social media it’s very easy to critique those people in your actual life. I think a lot of young people see these ideals of what their friends and family “should be” and sometimes begin to hold those close to them to unfair standards.
I’d have to guess as a 25 year old woman I’m pretty much at peak toxic comparison. I’m certainly not young enough to just assume in time things work out but I haven’t lived enough for them to work out yet… maybe…if they do. Yes there’s plenty of people who don’t have it all together but I’m starting to get to the age where there are also people who do (or at least appear to)! The craziest thing about comparison and envy in 2024 is how much everyone talks about it. Everyone acknowledges how bad it’s gotten but we all seem to still indulge.
Deborah
The Green Eyed Monster aka “ENVY” is something no human being can escape. You might like to think you are virtuous and can squash that not so great feeling but I can practically guarantee that it’s easier said than done. Even if you are one of those people who appear to have it all together and possess everything you could possibly desire, I bet there is something that you would like to possess but don’t or be like, that you aren’t.
As Nat stated, envy is considered one of the deadly sins. The seven deadly sins were first compiled by Pope Gregory I around the year 600. They are pride, greed, lust, wrath, gluttony, envy, and sloth. Gregory also compiled a list of the seven virtues: faith, hope, charity, justice, prudence, temperance, and fortitude. The Bible validates all of these.
Per an article in Psychology Today, three conditions have to be met for envy to be present. First, we must be confronted with something or a quality that someone else has that we seem to lack. Second, we must obviously want it for ourselves. And third, we must be personally pained by the desire for it.
To be envious sounds so evil, something that most of us have difficulty admitting to. Many times we don’t use the word envy but jealous. My take on jealousy is similar to Nat’s, mostly used in reference to relationships. It seems easier to admit to jealousy versus envy, the lesser of the two evils or is it really?
My first memory of being jealous was probably when my sister was born. As happy as I was that she had arrived, I remember feeling a bit overlooked by her presence. I didn’t at the time identify it as “jealousy” since I was too young to understand the concept. I just knew I was confused by feeling happy and sad at the same time.
When we move through childhood and into our teen years this feeling tends to become so much more pronounced. You struggle with your entire self image and the desire for acceptance on so many levels. Again as Nat stated, you start to compare yourself and every aspect of your life to others. I guess my question is why? Why do we do this? Is it really human nature?
I remember the TV having an influence on my thoughts of what was supposedly “desirable”. The commercials and the TV programs all inducing me to compare what I was or was not, what I had and did not have.. all contributing to my constant feelings of teen inadequacy. I vividly remember being so jealous of every one of my friends who possessed Levi Strauss corduroys in high school. They came in four or five different colors and I think I was over the moon when I finally got one pair. Such a coveted item. I wonder if those puppies are going to make a come back? Everything else from the seventies appears to be.
And I have to say I love the styles more now then when I was a kid wearing them. Maybe it has something to do with them making me relive a time when life was simpler. I may not have had much but I sure did appreciate what I had. Sometimes that green eyed monster was the impetus to work harder. I did find an article on how comparison is not always a bad thing. Sounds like depending upon your own self esteem comparison can be motivational or turn your jealousy into a deterrent and cause psychological pain.
Of course my jealousy of Levi’s was only in the instance of a physical and tangible item. No matter how hard I tried I could never work hard enough to add six inches to my height. Oh to be tall, blonde and beautiful like Cheryl Tiegs (a well known model of the 70’s for any of you younger women reading this ). Physical attributes would always be something women would be envious of other women for. I wanted to be tall, blue eyed, and blonde. No matter how hard I tried that was never going to happen. I could be envious all I wanted but bottom line I needed to get over it. Hanging around with my friend Karen #2 (and now Karen #4 WTF!) didn’t make it easy as she was and she is a constant reminder of ALL that I could not be…. tall, blue eyed and blonde… I have to find friends that look exactly like me and this problem would be nonexistent lol.
Comparing oneself and ones circumstances seems like it never goes away. It takes a strong presence early on in young adulthood and then moves right on into middle adulthood. You compare yourself and your circumstances in marriage, family, children, career, and social arenas. It’s almost never ending. You can’t even help not compare your kids to neighbors and friends. But alas there is a little light at the ends of the tunnel. As we grow and move into older adulthood it seems to dwindle. You are no longer jealous of your friends, family members, or colleagues. And even if it does rear its ugly head it’s minimal in comparison.
The reasoning? This is where gratitude comes into play. Being thankful for all that we do have brings one out of the jealousy/envy stage. The more we focus on gratitude the easier it is to be happy for others and appreciate the gifts we do have. It’s okay to be human and compare, it truly is human nature. But, we must always remember that there is no perfect person, job, family, or life. I know it sounds so cliche but happiness does come from within. Acceptance brings peace.
I look back at these times and think how do our young survive with all of these reminders constantly in their hands 24/7. I can see how and why teenage depression and anxiety are at an all time high. I’m in total agreement with my young counterpart regarding social media. It is TV on steroids. I’m so glad I grew up when I did. Sometimes I think growing up before TV would have even been better. Of course you can never eliminate our human frailty totally but I’m sure there was a tad bit less of envy when you had less information to use for comparison. Technology is a curse and a blessing all in one. It’s up to us to curb the addiction that it becomes.
A great scholar made this observation on this topic. Just thought I would end with some food for thought.
“Envy was once considered to be one of the seven deadly sins before it became one of the most admired virtues under its new name, ‘social justice’.”
― Thomas Sowell,