Have you ever taken a moment to define “femininity”? Being that it is in this site’s domain name, it seems appropriate to. The official Webster’s dictionary definition of femininity is the quality or nature of the female sex: the quality, state, or degree of being feminine or womanly. If you take a look at a few less literal definitions, interpretations per say, they typically describe femininity as a list of characteristics that have traditionally been associated with women, and more often motherhood. Like many things today, the definition of femininity seems to be ever evolving.
For the purpose of my writing, I’m going to be mostly describing the “traditional” attributes of femininity in my commentary (probably better stated as a rant but you can decide after reading). For myself, and I imagine most people, femininity is first introduced as “girliness”. From what I can remember as a child, you were either in the camp of being a “tomboy” or a “girly girl”. Yes of course, today we’ve come to introduce gender characteristics on a much broader spectrum than simply being a girly girl or a tomboy.
There are plenty of essays, college courses (many of which I took) and entire majors dedicated to . femininity. Stick with me, this is about femininity through my own experience. Being a girly girl typically meant your favorite color was probably a hue of pink or purple and you most likely wanted to carry a purse, etc. My earliest interpretation of femininity was about likes and interests as a child.
In adolescence and early adulthood, ones investment in appearance seems to be almost synonymous with their femininity. Women who take more time on their hair, makeup, and who care a little bit more about what they wear are seen as more feminine. This rule doesn’t seem to just apply to women either. It has been seen as emasculating for a man to invest in his appearance beyond time in the gym.
My real gripe with this perception of femininity or “girliness” comes down to the way it seems to influence the perception of other characteristics, specifically intelligence.
If you missed my co-authors piece this week (find it here), she shares having NOT felt discrimination on the basis of her sex. Similarly, I don’t know if I would ever say I felt “discriminated” against. It feels like too harsh of a sentiment. When I have been looked down upon for my gender, I haven’t felt it was exclusively because I was a woman but for being a feminine/girly/woman.
The most memorable time was my freshman year of college. I was in a group project and we were sitting in a lecture hall. Two of the men in my group would not even turn around to acknowledge me when I spoke. I could tell by their snickers to things I said and the lack of response I got from texts and emails that they simply did not take me seriously. I’ve found myself often feeling that I needed to preface or prove my intellect to men. A “I promise I’m smarter than I look” narrative.
The most disheartening part of all is that it’s not only men. Since I was in middle school I felt women also have held that bias, honestly probably more than men. It might seem like this is just a Natalie personality problem but I’ve known many friends and women who occupy the same feminine spaces who have had similar experiences. If you need a visual, please watch my absolute favorite movie, Legally Blonde, and you will see this trend illustrated perfectly.
I’ve always participated in very traditionally “feminine” spaces. I was a cheerleader in elementary through high school; I joined a sorority. It’s been women who aren’t in these spaces or don’t have similar feminine interests who I’ve felt look down on me in the same way as men have. I personally pride myself on not just being a girly girl but being a Girl’s girl no matter how similar or different another woman is from me.
I believe that has been liberal feminism’s most fatal flaw. In my opinion, feminism should be a push for equal choice and empower women to make their own decisions. However, I denounce the claims that anyone who embraces “traditional femininity” are just not enlightened. Certain sectors of feminism have pushed that women should act the way men do sexually, in detachment from family and intimacy, all in the name of empowerment.
Did we ever consider maybe those things are detrimental for women (and frankly people of any gender) ? Are these areas that we need to heal in our society for everyone rather than encourage just because men have been allowed to do it? By no means am I advocating that we go back to a time of the Handmaid’s Tale. My point is, just that the removal of shame should not be equivalent to empowerment. And the way to women’s empowerment is not needing be more like men.
Circling back to femininity, girliness, and ultimately attractiveness as well. I’m certainly not here to say that I’ve lived a young adulthood of woes because of my persona as a feminine woman. I am well aware of the times I have benefited from it. But to acknowledge the female privilege that women may enjoy and even more so those lucky enough to have “pretty privilege” does not negate any sufferings of women in the past or present.
Embracing traditional femininity is definitely on the upswing again. On social media, the “soft girl era” and spiritual focus of the Divine Feminine are trending. Of course traditional concepts of femininity and girliness aren’t for everyone and that is more than okay. As I stated before, to me that’s what feminism is in its best state: women having the choice to their own self determination not encouraged nor discouraged either way.
“Here’s to strong woman: may we be know them, may we be them, may we raise them.”